How Do I Stop Lusting?

 

Porn, masturbation, and/or just plain lust has been a chain on every Christian man and woman’s life, for at least a time. Most men and many women never fully overcome it. I was the WORST of them, yet I have not only found freedom from masturbation, but lust itself. The answers are all in the Bible, although they may be hard to grasp (and even harder to believe).

First, we need to define “lust.” Lust, as the Bible uses the word, is not “sexual feelings.” We cannot always control our sexual feelings –good, bad, straight, gay, child, animal, or object. A man’s involuntary sexual feelings for his wife or bride-to-be are a very good thing. No amount of intentional lust for his current wife is wrong.

Lust (or “covetting”), the sin, has to do with much more than just sex. Most people’s lives are consumed with lust, and sexual lust is only a small part of it. Coveting is comparison. You “look at a woman with lust,” when you:

1. Choose to MEASURE her sexual value in your heart (or choose to fantasize about sex with her), 

2. WISH that she would be yours when you or she is already taken, 

3. Or COMMIT (/refuse to relinquish) romantic love to her in your heart without strong, tangible reason to believe that you two will be married (Songs 2:7) (or after finding out that she is not a godly choice for marriage [2 Cor 6:14]). 

You compared what God had given you to what He had not given you, and DECIDED that you wanted what He had not. A passing feeling or a persistent feeling that you pray against until it is gone (even if it returns) is not a sin. Only the choice.

Now that “lust” is clarified, to overcome it, you must simply (I did not say “easily”) BELIEVE these 5 things:

1. Sin is a choice, not a mistake (1 Cor 10:13).

One day in the middle of my slavery to addiction, God opened my eyes to the past, and I realized that I did have the power to say “no” each and every time that I masturbated. Otherwise I would not have been guilty! Here is the proof:

There were many times in my life when I was barely tempted to masturbate, but I did it anyway –because I figured that I would end up doing it again later, so why not now? 

BUT –there were many times throughout my life when, fueled by pure passion,  I pressed through the whole night wrestling against my relentless sexual desire. 

I can do that every time; I finally realized: No matter how hard it is, I always have a choice. 

2. Love that requires your needs being met is not love (Mat 5:38-48).

Through Christian counseling, I had come to understand that the reason that I masturbated was that I needed to be loved by a woman, but I was scared to be unloved by a woman. 

Understanding why I sinned was not enough to get me free, though. One day, I prayed to God: “Please help me not to need a woman.” 

Thankfully, God responded: "Love that needs is not love.” In other words, if you need someone else to love you in order for you to love them, then you don’t really love them. 

He revealed to me that I needed to decide to love my wife, whether or not she neglects me or is able to meet my needs. 

He didn’t free me from my need, He told me not to put my needs above Him or my wife.

So, from that point on, when I was tempted to masturbate, I told myself: “Love that needs isn’t love.” I decided that I was going to love my wife in action –in that moment – by not masturbating. 

I also recommitted myself in those moments to actively loving her in our future marriage, whether or not she meets my needs.

3. God will exceed your needs, and He is happy to (Romans 8:32).

This one was the hardest for me. It gave me panic attacks for months because my body did not agree with the risk of faith that I chose in my heart. But the choice IMMEDIATELY made the biggest difference BY FAR out of all 4 of these points.

It was making the choice to trust Kelsey to take care of all of my sexual wants and needs (and more) which made the biggest difference in my fight against masturbation.

We were engaged when I made this decision. Why would I masturbate when I have something infinitely better waiting for me in just 5 months? And someone who is more than happy to give it to me?

This gave me incredible strength against temptation. Even when my body was dying for sex, it felt like hardly a temptation at all.

The truth is that I could have had this strength my whole life. If I would have chosen to believe that God would give me the woman that I was praying for, instead of doubting and worrying, then temptation would have been a much smaller problem.

4. You repented. You are new. You never have sinned. You never will (Romans 7:17).

Understanding my newness in Christ is how I finally got free from masturbation after 15 years of doing all that I could to stop –Yet masturbating more than even the worst ones out there.

Being engaged to Kelsey, she had the right to know when I masturbated if I did. She was committing her whole life to me, and I needed to be honest with her about what she was getting.

The first time that I told her, she forgave me easily.

I repented and believed in what the Bible said about my newness and complete freedom from sin. 

“I am a new person,” I told myself. This new “me” that God has created has never sinned and cannot sin. 

Kelsey believed it, too.

Then I did it again. 

I don’t remember why or anything about it.

Kelsey was a lot more hurt this time: She was especially hurt that I did it after saying that I wouldn’t.

And she should have been hurt! She was right to be disappointed. She was trusting me and God in me to love her. I didn’t!

She was hurt because of her faith. The fact that she was hurt was proof that she was trusting God! She was not wrong to trust me, but the fact that she was hurt when I betrayed her trust proved that she did the right thing.

The temptation here is to stop trusting altogether. She could have stopped trusting me. And I could have stopped believing that God made me new and freed me from sin. 

But I repented. I believed God. 

She believed God. And she believed me.

The slate was clean. 

“I am a new person.” I am not that same person who has masturbated for 15 years. By the power of God, I do not sin.

That was the last time that I masturbated, ever. It was roughly 5 months before we got married.

The Resurrection was the final nail in the coffin for my sin. 

I had to choose to put God and others before me –yes. 

And I had to joyfully expect for God to meet and exceed all of my desires –yes. 

But those things are not enough to stop me from sinning when I am faced with the fact that I have just sinned and I have been doing the same sin for my whole life. 

It means nothing that God has a reward for me or that He requires anything from me if I am powerless to obey Him. Satan had convinced me, “You’ve done it before, so you’ll do it again” (when in fact, neither is true!).

Being made clean when I got saved means nothing if I become unclean the moment that I sin after that. Because everyone who gets saved and lives on afterwards does sin.

God’s forgiveness is all it takes to get into Heaven, but if I can’t love God back, then that makes my life on Earth meaningless. Hopeless.

I had to believe that the Me-Who-Sinned died on the cross with Jesus. I had to put him on the cross with the rest of the old me. 

The new me rose to life with Him in His Resurrection on the day that I gave my life to Jesus, and he is still the real me, alive in me right now. 

I choose to be him and believe that I am him:

I am a new person. I do not sin.

(Read this article here to see how newness changes what forgiveness means for Christians.)
 

5. You are accountable to everyone (James 5:16).

That being said, I do have a sinful nature. And I have to live with that in mind, too.

You may have noticed that a big part of the last moment which led to my freedom was Kelsey’s reaction to my sin.

More than using anything else in my life, God has caused me to repent from my sins because I have seen the ways that my sins have hurt my wife. 

Throughout our time together, much of the way that I thought, spoke, and acted was sin. I did these things my whole life before knowing her, but I was unaware that these things were wrong.

Until each time that I saw the tears in her eyes. 

And I don’t know how I would have figured out that it was sin otherwise. My relationship with her has forced me to grow, more than all of my private works combined (just like every relationship in my life could).

I learned something: 

I know that I am blind to my sin, so I use her to my advantage. I do this by putting myself at a disadvantage:

I am accountable.

This means that:

I take responsibility for my wrongs even if she does not take responsibility for hers.

I do not make excuses for my sins or make them seem small. I don’t let her excuse my sins or make them seem small.

I hold myself accountable. It is my job to reach out if I do wrong. 

I don’t make her earn my trust for me to confess my sin. If she is hurt or angry, thinks lowly of me, or punishes me, then I still did the right thing

I care more about being free, and about the truth, than how she may react. 

I want to be loved for who I truly am, not who I pretend to be. Otherwise, I am not truly loved.

I make commitments (not promises) to her, so that I know that I will do what I tell her that I will do when she is not around. 

And if I have to stray from what we agreed on for godly reasons, then I tell her.

I am forthcoming about my actions, thoughts, and feelings, especially if there is a chance that she may disagree or be upset. 

This way, we can get on the same page with our battle plan before the battle starts, and not in the middle of the battle.

I am never above being questioned, or it is my pride.

I make sure never to put myself in tempting situations or situations where it can seem that I am up to no good. If I have to go into places like that, then I am sure that I tell my wife every detail, before and after, if I can.

Being a disciple means to follow around your Rabbi. A Rabbi does not follow around his disciple.

Jesus is my Rabbi, and my wife is His body –or at least, His finger.

I am going to chase down the Jesus in her so that I can be more like Him.

Even if she is stuck in her sin, that does not mean that I cannot find clues in her grief to get myself free from my sin, but:

More often, I should expect that God will give her exactly what I need to hear through her obedience to Him:

“He personally gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, for the training of the saints in the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into a mature man with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness.  Then we will no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, by human cunning with cleverness in the techniques of deceit. But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head—Christ. From Him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building up itself in love by the proper working of each individual part.”

I know that God likes to speak through people, especially His Body those of humble circumstances.

I will not be like Eliab, who belittled the child David –and was proven wrong, when David slayed Goliath. Surely, Eliab could have taken Goliath’s head if he believed the words of his little brother.

I will be like Nineveh, who fasted and sat in ashes after hearing five words from a hateful man that they did not know –and were shown God’s love.

Yes, God does also speak to me privately, without anyone 's help, and this is the proof that He is discipling me, and not humans. 

But, He expects us to follow –to disciple ourselves through His people. A disciple walks in the dust of his rabbi’s feet, so we shadow the feet of Jesus’ Body.

If I do not find Jesus’ wisdom in my believing wife, then I have a hard heart. 

And I can either soften it now by working long and hard to hear her, or God will have to break it for me in time.

I would rather it be sooner than later –I am desperate to be one with who He has given me as soon as possible!

I am accountable to no one but God for judgment, but I am accountable to everyone in love and humility, to prepare myself for judgment.

 

There are more scriptures that I can use to support these truths, but I have included a few to make this article readable.

 

This is all explored more deeply in Kelsey and I’s book, “Jesus’ Crazy Dream.” Learn how you can be the answer to Jesus’ prayer in John 17.

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